my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize