i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
