this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
