My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
