if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
