go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
