The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
