I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
