Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
