you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
