I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
