I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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