pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
