I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
