my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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