Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
