Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
