She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
