i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
