I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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