I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize