OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
