Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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