I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
