what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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