You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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