Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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