Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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