What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
This house was built for laser tag.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
