the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
