I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
