I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
