I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
