Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
