How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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