This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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