Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
