I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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