I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
