oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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