Define "chronic" masturbator.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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