I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
