I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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