I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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