yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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