my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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