remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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