My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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