Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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