Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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