i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
