So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
