Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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