What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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