Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
