hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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