Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
