Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
