Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
