Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
