I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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