why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize