I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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