you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Text me some of your sweat
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
