just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
