I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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