UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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